This year, resolve to solve many of my problems

Richard Roeper

This year, resolve to solve many of my problems

January 3, 2006

BY RICHARD ROEPER SUN-TIMES COLUMNIST Copyright by te Chicago Sun Times


Welcome to the first real day of 2006!

All this week, you'll see the signs that it's a brand new year: The health clubs will be jam-packed, as millions of Americans try to drop the same 20 pounds they vowed to lose last year around this time. Longtime smokers will be chomping on Nicorette as they try to kick the habit once and for all.

Lots of lunchers will be ordering the "heart healthy" selections from the menu. Gotta watch that cholesterol in '06!

Maybe there's a new "Swear Jar" at home, with Mom or Dad contributing a dollar every time a bad word escapes their lips.

And so it goes. For the next few days or weeks, half the people you know will be trying to do SOMETHING that will make them healthier, happier, more decent human beings.

I'm all for this -- not for myself, but for everybody else in the world. (Any resolutions I've made, I'm keeping to myself. I think that's the first step in making them a reality.) As we begin another year on this planet, I'm sure many of you have been wondering, "What can I do to make Richie happier this year? How can I make a contribution that will improve the quality of his life?"

First of all, don't ever think that you're just one person and you can't make a difference. You can. Even if we never cross paths in 2006, there are things you can do that will contribute to the greater good of Chicago and to the world at large -- and somehow, in that special way of mine, I'll know about it.

So let's make that list of New Year's Resolutions for 2006.

Not for me. I'm good. These are for you.

And that guy over there.

Say you want a resolution


1. Keep the cell phone chatter to a minimum.

2. When you are on the phone in a public place, YOU DON'T HAVE TO YELL.

3. Don't cross the street and give me a dirty look when I'm the one who has the left-turn arrow.

4. If you're in the service industry and I say "Thanks," grunting "Mmm-hmm" is not the way to go. Try a hearty "You're welcome!" It's so much more satisfying.

5. When visiting the downtown area with friends, do not walk six abreast like you're the "Reservoir Dogs" as you chit-chat and leisurely enjoy the sights. It clogs up the foot traffic behind you.

6. The gum-cracking? Not so attractive. Especially on the phone.

7. Speaking of phone etiquette: Try not to use up all 90 seconds on the voice-mail. Get to the point and get off. Thanks!

8. Even if you think you don't need deodorant every day, humor me and put some on. AFTER you've taken that morning shower.

9. See if you can enjoy the concert without singing along with every song at full voice. I paid the $125 to hear Coldplay -- not Coldplay plus some guy named Jimmy in the 14th row.

10. The following movie has been rated R. Leave the little ones at home. If you can't find a sitter, here's an idea: Stay home.

I'm starting to feel better about this year already, aren't you?

Resolved: Make Rich happy


11. When sending e-mails to me, please keep in mind that I've heard each of these comments at least a thousand times:

a. "You should stick to reviewing movies, because you know nothing about sports (politics, music, religion, life)."

b. "Next time you write a column on this topic, why don't you do a little research?"

c. "Your column is so biased."

d. "I never write to old media people, but after reading you today, I just had to let you know . . ."

Great. Thanks. Got it.

12. Punctuality is sexy. If you're going to be more than 10 minutes late, call and provide an update.

13. Have a mint! It's great for your breath. No, really. I insist.

14. To the fine folks working security at the airport: After you've told me to remove my shoes and my belt, after you've gone through my carry-on bag and left everything in a mess, after you've wanded my computer and patted me down -- at least thank me for putting up with a bunch of crap that has nothing to do with fighting terrorism.

15. I know how to shop. I know where to find you if I need you. You don't have to follow me around the store while peppering me with comments like, "Those are 40 percent off," and, "Do you need to try those on?" Thanks.

16. That sidewalk in front of your business? Next time it snows, don't be afraid to shovel the whole thing, not just a path wide enough for a Pomapoo.

17. See, you're the cabdriver and I'm the passenger, which means you're the one who should have change for a $20.

18. Easy with the text-messaging to others when you're talking to me. It's kind of, what's the word? Oh yeah: Insulting.

19. You don't have to forward that wacky video clip, that virus warning or that crazy dirty joke to me. You really don't.

20. Remember, on many days, this is a HUMOR COLUMN. You're not always supposed to take every single line so literally.

Happy Happy!