How about a straight poll? by Jennifer Vanasco

How about a straight poll? Copyright by Jennifer Vanasco

Polls. People are always taking polls about what America thinks about same-sex marriage, or gay adoption, or gay and lesbian clergy. But have you noticed that no one seems to be asking gay people about what we think about heterosexual rights?

I mean, no one ever seems to question heterosexual existence, or ask why that screaming parent is allowed to have a child, or wonder whether the spectacularly high divorce rate among straight people may mean that they are simply not equipped to marry.

And that, my friends, is a wrong I plan to address right now.

I didn’t come up with this idea myself. I got it from a straight friend who threw down a newspaper in disgust after reading another Gallup poll that asked what (presumably straight) America thought about gay America.

“No one ever asks about whether I should have rights,” he said. “I just get them.”

Right on, brother. This is for you.



Straight men are heterosexual because:

a. They hate other men.

b. They hate their fathers.

c. They hate choosing their own clothes.

d. They never quite understood the power of musical theater.



Straight women are heterosexual because they:

a. Hate other women.

b. Had absent mothers.

c. Had absent fathers.

d. Have a psychological aversion to power tools.



Which of the following should be defined as examples of heterosexual flaunting?

a. Kissing in public.

b. Insisting on marriage.

c. Declaring that they should have special rights limited to heterosexuals only

d. Making films and television shows overwhelmingly about straight relationships

e. Holding hands in public

f. Bearing children

g. All of the above



Should heterosexuals be allowed to have sex without contraception? Consider the abortion rate, the 50-percent divorce rate, the number of memoirs of children of straight parents who complain about lousy childhoods. Discuss.


What do you think about heterosexual marriage?

a. Approve

b. Disapprove

c. Don’t care.

d. Heterosexuals are allowed to marry?



Should heterosexuals be able to marry without a Constitutional amendment explicitly granting them this right?

a. Yes

b. No

c. Only if it mandates that gay men plan the wedding.



If heterosexuals are forbidden to marry, should they be covered under inheritance laws and other laws that give preference to married people?

a. No

b. Yes

c. Only if this means I get Dad’s Porsche.

Which comes closest to your view?

a. Straight couples should be allowed to marry

b. Straight couples should be allowed to live together

c. Straight couples must first prove that they could never, ever be happy living in a long-term relationship with someone of the same sex before they’re allowed to experiment with their opposite-sex attraction?



Should known heterosexuals be allowed to work in gay workspaces?

a. Yes, if they hide their heterosexuality

b. Yes, if they wear a discreet rainbow flag on their lapel

c. No, unless they can dance

d. No, unless they are good at passing by showing evidence of a gay accent, lesbian adenoids or thorough knowledge of the history of gay figures in history and culture.



Pick the personality that best represents all heterosexuals:

a. Jeffery Skilling of Enron

b. Evil mastermind Karl Rove

c. Socialite Paris Hilton

d. Jerry Springer

e. The guy who ate those cockroaches on “Fear Factor.”



Well. We’ll probably never get a phone call from a pollster asking us these questions. But a girl can dream, can’t she?



Copyright by Jennifer Vanasco. Jennifer Vanasco is an award-winning, syndicated columnist based in Chicago. Email her at vanasco@chicagofreepress.com.